Monday, July 25, 2011
Choosing to Breathe
We went hiking at Tonto Natural Bridge with some of our friends! So beautiful; go if you ever get the chance!
When Nicholas wakes up from his nap, Eve LOVES to climb into his crib so they can play together. Then they beg to play with Natty, too :)
A couple years ago I had out-patient surgery. I was getting my tubes tied because it was too dangerous to have more kids: after I had Eve I was diagnosed with peripartum cardiomyopathy, a random and rare heart condition related to pregnancy. Anyway, when I was in the recovery area after surgery, I was waking up, but was so tired that I kept forgetting to breathe. It actually felt good to NOT breathe, it was like taking a break. This was all really hazy, but I remember I would stop breathing (it just felt SO GOOD), and so some monitor would start beeping and the nurses would yell over to me, "Aubrey! You've got to breathe!" I was so annoyed, but I complied and would breathe again for a minute, and then stop once more. I've since heard that this can be an after-effect of anesthesia.
I feel like that right now.
On the 12th of July (the day before my birthday, that's the only reason I remember the date), Nicholas and Natalia's mother called me. I'd sent her the consent to adopt papers for Natalia--she'd told me we could adopt Natalia but not Nicholas. We were devastated, but we figured if we had Natty, eventually we'd probably get Nicholas. She got the papers, and called to tell me that she'd changed her mind, and that we can't adopt either one. SOO much more happened, but really I don't have the time to write it all out. So, I sent her a letter last week asking her to reconsider. I asked her to think about the goals she has for the kids, and whether she could provide those things for them. I got a call today from her, but it really wasn't a discussion. She mostly just yelled. Lucky for me, the collect call minutes I'd prepaid for ran out, and I didn't accept any more of her calls (I don't need that treatment, I don't want to yell at her, and all the rational things I could say will never change her mind).
I don't know how to explain my situation very well. Some people question whether I'm their parent. If you wonder this, I can answer, I just don't have the desire to post it ALL here :) Let me know and I'll tell you. Regardless, I am their mother, albeit only ONE of their mothers. And I'm losing two of my children.
And I find it hard to breathe.
When I'm alone and I start thinking about losing them (usually I push it out of mind), I'm so tired and so sad that I sometimes take a break and stop breathing. I remember how good it felt before, and for minute it feels good again. Just to stop. Then, like the nurses, I yell to myself, "Aubrey! You have to breathe!" Then, I decide to breathe again.
I've learned that this is like my faith. I've always heard about "the trial of your faith." This is mine, I guess. To be led here, and then have the kids taken back. And like when I decide to breathe, I've learned that I have to DECIDE to have faith in God. It's not just going to BE there, I have to actually choose to have it. I know there is an alternative, and sometimes it is tempting to just throw my hands up and be done with it all. Resign myself to the idea that there is no God, or that He does not watch over me and my little family. I see this alternative, and I realize that it's my choice. I could choose either one, and I choose faith. I choose to believe that God watches over us, although people have the freedom to make their own choices. I choose to believe He loves me and my children, and that He will guide me. And that Jardan and I may lose Natalia and Nicholas, but that does NOT mean that He is not there. In my sadness, I have chosen to breathe, and I have chosen faith.